Dear reader, this post has EXCESSIVE SWEARING. For the censored version, click HERE
INTRO:
Today (as in, right now) is the day that i finally talk about shipping on the internet, no i am not talking about the act of sending things through the mail, but i am talking about the act of saying shit like "OMFG THESE 2 CHARACTERS ARE IN LUV HOLY SHIT HOLY FUCK OH ME OH MY IFJSDNVCISNFI"
There are plenty of ships out there, ships that work, ships that are stupid and dumb, ships that are actually canon and there's also PROBLEMATIC SHIPS THAT ARE BAD AND SHIT.
There's plenty of bad ships out there, but i'm not gonna mention them so that people don't get pissed... Actually, i don't mention them because i actually don't know if they work or not.
BUT, There is one (1) ship out there that i know wouldn't work and i know is stupid... But lemme tell you the backstory of these characters, and the story of how i found this ship.
CHAPTER 1: How did i learn about the existence of this ship?
So, there I was, all happy and shit, scrolling through my Tumblr like a guy that had just made an account. I was like, "Wow, look at all these amazing posts from all these totally normal folks chatting about totally normal things... like Sonic The Hedgehog!"
And i came across the #Barry The Quokka tag and saw that people were shipping this character with Lanolin The Sheep from the IDW Sonic comics... and my brain was like: "what the fuck, this wouldn't work, and this would be fucking shit" and i instantly made a post on the matter, using the #Barrolin tag to tell the world that this ship SUCKS SHIT and is STUPID.
Looking back, this post was completely unnecessary and looks like something an asshole would say but i was young and naive at the time... 6 months ago... and i didn't know what i was doing, i would like to apologize to those that use the #barrolin tag.
So, get this - 2 months later, I was chilling in the Official r/BarryTheQuokka Discord server, feeling all happy and shit because I could chat with fellow Barry-Pilled individuals. Then, out of the blue, someone goes, "Lol, look who i found while scrolling on Tumblr" Lo and behold, it was a screenshot of my post! Holy shit! My initial reaction was "Oh shit oh fuck, am I about to get cooked?" But hey, turns out some folks actually agreed with me for some reason.
Lemme tell you who these characters are, and what i think about them.
CHAPTER 2: Who are these characters and what do i think about them?
You must be scratching your head like a dumbass and thinking, "Who in the world are these characters?" Well, fear not, dear friend, for I am here to enlighten you! It's not just because it's my duty, but also because I'm smart and you're stupid.
Who is Barry The Quokka?
You don't stop asking questions, do you? Whatever, i'm gonna explain anyways.
Barry The Quokka is a character from the hit game "The Murder of Sonic The Hedgehog", an april fools 2023 game that changed the fucking world. This post was just an excuse for me to play this game again.
OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE! There's this guy called Barry, and they just got a job at this train that is only used for special occasions like birthday parties and escape rooms, and the conductor is like "You need to take care of our guests because i'm retiring after like 32 years" and Barry is like "OKAY" and the guests enter the train and it's SONIC AND FRIENDS, AND THEY'RE LIKE "We're doing a murder mystery party" and Barry is like "Okay" and they all try to find the guy that murdered Sonic. I WAS MURDERED ONCE, and then they brought me back as an android.
I don't feel like continuing this joke so i'm just gonna say... This has been Edward J. Bum saying CHANGE, YOU GOT CHANGE? Aw c'mon help a guy out, will ya?
Ok, so. This game. It's awesome. Check it out, it's free on Steam :)
It's full of funny little fun things that are funny, little, fun and things :D
One of those funny little fun things they added was this little quokka called Barry, they're awesum, they're the best, and i love them more than i love myself.
What is their character like? Lemme tell ya, because i'm pretty good at describing a character.
Have you met the average American guy? Well, most Americans i know are rude, mean or stupid. Barry is not any of those things, they're just the average NICE and KIND American... They're not even American, because quokkas are Australian. They work hard, they work as a microwave chef at a fancy schmancy train [1], they appear in reality TV [2], and they work as a chili dog vendor [3]. wow.
The character's traits mirror those of the player, allowing for a range of personalities including shy or confident, kind or big meanie, intelligent or fucking stupid. However, these choices do not significantly impact the narrative.
BUT WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF BARRY, WHAT DOES BARRY DO? They do their job... actually, now that i think about it, we never saw them using the microwave! We don't know if they're good at doing their job! but, like, how hard could it be to use a microwave? (I don't have a microwave in my house. sucks not being able to make popcorn... as i was typing this, i remembered that i have a popcorn cooker... i may be stupid)
ANYWAYS, Barry can do their job (or jobs), cool. They're a really cool detective i guess... Cool. They think a lot... Cool? That's all i can really say, there's not a lot you can say about a character with 1 major appearance.
BUT I STILL LOVE THEM, THEY'RE THE BEST CHARACTER EVARR.
Now, Who the fuck is Lanolin The Sheep?
So, like, Lanolin is this character from the IDW Sonic Comics. I'm practically an expert on this series because I've read every issue... like, for real! I totally didn't just rely on the wiki, just trust me on this, guys.
Lanolin first appeared in issue #2 of Sonic, she was like "OMG SONIC YOU GOTTA SAVE MY TOWN... OHIO!"
She appeared in the background of stories sometimes. Later it was revealed that Sonic's heroism inspired her to join the Restoration HQ and- I'm not telling you the whole story of this bitch, read the comics yourself, shit biscuit.
a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, i was sitting and looking at my phone like how i have been doing for 4 years and i saw this post that said "wow this sheep girl's awesum go read idw sonic" and i just moved on with my life, i wasn't gonna read any stupid ass nerd books.
HOWEVER... Yeah, I read these books for nerds and her character didn't appeal to me. Many others share the same opinion. But why? Why do we hate this character? Is it just because she's a bit mean sometimes? Yes. But you can't hate a character just because they're mean... She was mean to Silver? Well now i REALLY hate her.
Lanolin is just doing her job... kinda badly but hey, it's the thought that counts, i guess.
The fandom is really divisive when it comes to discussing her character, but frankly, i don't give a shit, this post is about shipping.
Yeah, just a recap
Barry = Awesome
Lanolin = Not So Awesome
Onto the next chapter.
CHAPTER 3: Would this relationship work?
Hey, you might be surprised to hear this, but I've never actually been in a relationship before... So, how do i plan to get my thoughts in order and explain to you guys that this ship wouldn't work?
Not only do i need to explain it, i need to make it sound professional and smart and funny... uhm...
When everything else fails, you know what i like to do? REACH. STRETCH. MAKE SHIT UP. HERE ARE MY REASONS FOR NOT LIKING THIS SHIP.
Lanolin is not in the Diamond Cutters to make friends or chill with people, she has a job to do meaning that she's probably not interested in being in a relationship with anyone.
They've never fucking met before, we don't know if they would get along.
This ship just looks like you went on wheeldecide and picked two random sonic characters.
That's all i got. A bit disappointing, i know, but i need to finish this now.
CONCLUSION:
I believe in free shipping... No, not the act of sending things through the mail for free, i mean, i believe in that too, but we're talking about relationships here. I believe that you can ship whoever you want, as long as it doesn't affect anyone, just don't become a pro-shipper, those suck.
Feel free to add your own point of view on this ship via this email address: eddiespiderplushfanmail@gmail.com
I'm just here sharing my personal opinion on this ship in a very unprofessional way. I'm having fun! And that's what comics and games are about. Having fun.
For my next rambling: WHY SPIDER-MAN DID NOT FUCK MORRIGAN AENSLAND FROM DARKSTALKERS.
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