Oh my god.
Okay. So, a few [TIME PERIOD] ago, i made a post called "A Stupid Fucking Ship That Wouldn't Fucking Work", and in that post, i talked about a ship that i didn't think would work (no shit), and in that post i said and i quote "For my next rambling: WHY SPIDER-MAN DID NOT HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MORRIGAN AENSLAND FROM DARKSTALKERS."
So that's what i'm gonna talk about.
Oh and by the way, there is NO CENSORED VERSION OF THIS POST. JUST DON'T BE A PUSSY AND READ THE SWEAR WORDS.
In 1994, a game called Darkstalkers came out, and it was alright. The concept was fun, it's basically just Street Fighter but instead of people from around the world, it's Halloween monsters from around the world. Yeah people liked this game. And Capcom said "Hey, people love this game, let's just not do anything with this franchise."
In 1995, a game called Marvel Super Heroes came out, and it was FUCKING AWESUM, It had all the Super Heroes, Spider-Man was there, The Hulk was there, Iron Man was there, Captain America was there, Thor was NOT there. Everyone was there... Even Anita from Darkstalkers for some reason... and only in the Japanese version...
And Capcom said "Hey, Marvel is pretty big... and Street Fighter is pretty big... What if we make a game where the Marvel characters fight the Street Fighter characters?" And they did just that, a game with the creative title of Marvel Super Heroes Vs. Street Fighter.
But Capcom was like "What if it wasn't restricted to just Street Fighter?" and in 1999, they dropped MARVEL VS. CAPCOM: CLASH OF SUPER HEROES and it was the best thing ever in the history of the world, everyone was happy, the US President was like "My Fellow Americans, i am gonna install a Marvel Vs. Capcom Arcade Machine in the White House." Don't believe me? I HAVE A SOURCE.
This game is peak yo.
So, in this game you have to pick 2 characters, i don't know why but it's cool. And guess what? Spider-Man is there, and Morrigan is there too! I think that's neat, you can play as 2 fan-favorites.
After every fight, the characters get to say a snarky little comment, and Spider-Man gets to say some of these lines
Thanks to S_B_ on GameFAQs for sharing, because i wasn't gonna find all lines myself.
One day, some guy was playing this game, all happy-go-lucky and shit, and they were playing as Spider-Man and Morrigan, and the snarky line thing happened, which resulted in this screenshot
Thanks to Spider-Plush on this very site for getting the screenshot. Yes, i got the screenshot, this post was an excuse to play more video games. You see that thing in the corner? that's the VMU. I was playing the Dreamcast version via the Flycast core on RetroArch.
I have a problem with this line.
Peter, you're always late for EVERYTHING. And MJ doesn't seem to give a crap.
We'll get to this later.
People saw this screenshot and went "OMG SPIDER-MAN AND MORRIGAN FUCKED CONFIRMED 100% REAL THIS IS CANON, WHY? BECAUSE I JUST SAID SO."
and i'm here to DEBUNK and KILL this theory. JUST LIKE LAST TIME.
Chapter WHOGIVESASHIT: Who is Spider-Man?
i'm not gonna describe who he is, but if you really wanna know...
I know a little bit about this guy, i've only read like 200+ comics, seen all the cartoons, seen all the movies, documented every plush toy, played a few games, eaten the popsicle, so i know a few things about this guy.
CHAPTER FCASBVIWB VUI: Who is Morrigan?
Morrigan is a character from the hit video game series Darkstalkers. She's an evil meanie monster called a "succubus", a demon that fucks men while they sleep... and they EAT THEIR SOULS AND THEY KILL THEM AND ALL THAT SHIT, so if you ever wake up and realize that you lost your soul... blame the nearest succubus.
That's all i can say, really, what? do you think there's more story and things to be said about a fighting game? PFFT, YOU ACT LIKE THERE'S MORE GAMES, AN OVA, AN AMERICAN CARTOON AND A CANADIAN COMIC BOOK SERIES...
So i checked out the OVA and the Udon comic book and i thought they were fine. I couldn't find an English dub for the OVA, so i had to use my imagination for the dialogue.
I need to finish this today so...
Chapter "I have to pee": Would this work?
No. But why? You don't stop asking questions, do you?
Okay, so, this wouldn't work because of TODAY'S SPONSOR, MYSELF. Yes, i'm gonna take this chapter and do a sponsorship. Evil Spider-Man #19, out now, WOOHOO!
Okay, so i'm gonna explain why this ship is stupid and dumb and why Spider-Man and Morrigan didn't fuck.
Spider-Man says the line with literally every other character.
Don't believe me? Here's Spider-Man saying it next to War Machine.
Screenshot taken by Spider-Plush, AGAIN. I don't wanna admit how long it took me to get Spider-Man to say this line.
Nothing about this line implies that Spider-Man fucked someone, but i guess it could be misinterpreted as such.
Spider-Man is a loyal cookie.
Both Spider-Man and MJ are loyal to each other, in fact, they were married in 1998. Do you really think Spider-Man is a total fucking horndog? NO! HE WOULD NOT DO THAT! HE IS ABOVE THAT!
Spider-Man would not survive.
This is what happened to the last person that tried to fuck Morrigan
This guy is not okay, in fact, he couldn't be even worse. HE'S DEAD, NO LONGER WITH US. HE'S NOT COMING BACK, MOVE ON.
DO YOU REALLY THINK SPIDER-MAN WOULD SURVIVE THIS? I mean, Spider-Man has super strength, and he has survived many things, but i don't think he would survive getting fucked to death. I mean, he could come back to life but coming back to life in the Marvel Universe is a process that takes time, you don't just come back the next issue.
that's all i got
Yep, i don't need to write like 4000000 words to tell someone that something is stupid. Not everything has to be complex and all that. Sometimes you can just debunk things with one paragraph or two.
Now that i don't have to talk about shipping anymore, i can find more important things to DEBUNK.
I'm confident that i'm never talking about shipping again, so i'm gonna mention some other ships that i don't think would work and why.
Spider-Man (Miles Morales) x Spider-Gwen: This is just stupid and dumb
Barry x Lanolin: I just made a post about this
Sonic X Tails: There's people that ship these guys? seriously? What the fuck?
Thor x Loki: THEY'RE BROTHERS
Reylo: I actually don't know or care, just wanted to make fun of Star Wars fans.
Batman x Wonder Woman: It's stupid af
Superman x Wonder Woman: Stupid af.
Any shipping that involves real people: I understand if it's like historical figures that have been dead for years (it's funny), but i can't understand people that ship real alive human beings. I was in school once and this kid said, "Yeah sometimes we ship people from this classroom lol" and i was like "What the fuck" Also self-shipping with a fictional character is alright to an extent.
Yeah, that's it. Please don't ask me to elaborate and please don't suggest ships for me to talk about.
But feel free to share your opinion on the matter by emailing eddiespiderplushfanmail@gmail.com